Dear Blog;;

Well, do you know how you can teach an animal, or anything, really, I guess, to associate say, a sound with an action?
Like the dog that associated a bell with drooling, or something like that?

I feel as though I’m going to start associating falling in love with pain.  A lot of it, at that.

Last time, I had fallen for Ian.  And anyone that knows me at least relatively well knows that that ended badly.   Very badly.

I don’t really miss him, though.  I got over it rather fast.  A few days.  Hell, I think it could’ve even been a few minutes, honestly.

But today, my second association took place.  Blog, meet Adam.

Yeah.  I have come to the conclusion that I am never to tell another close/best/whatever friend that I love them, even with the “as a friend” implied, it being false or not.  Now I know.

Because, as fate would have it, I was led on.  Just as last time.

And as fate would have it, I bit the bait.  And ended up being bit in the ass.

This time, it didn’t take all of Spring Break.  It took a few hours, though.

A new record?  I think so.

But, of course, since in breakdown a part of me starts to go mad with artistic genius, I did manage to get a lyrical remix pumped out of me.

Fall Out Boy, Three Days Grace, Saosin.  Hmm, that’s an awkward grouping.  Relative crap, emo, and screaming.  Yikes.

To be truthful, I think the fucker’s lucky that I didn’t sabotage his face on photoshop yet.  I mean, if I can improve someone’s appearance with a few clicks and a few strokes, I can easily make them worse.

I think I might try it, sometime tonight when I’m unable to sleep.

Because of course, I couldn’t sleep last night, either.

The not-sleeping seems to be a symptom I can count on.  Ian, Kyle, and Adam.  All of them caused temporary insomnia.

Although, I didn’t love Kyle.  I like to think that that was a physical attraction, based on lust, and nothing else.

But Ian and Adam, they had an entirely different… attachment, I’ll call it.  Physical attractions last a few weeks, maybe 2 months, tops.

The actual attachments last much, much longer, I’ve figured out.

Ian?  8 years.  8 years of my life that I wasted.  How pitiful.

Adam? About 8 months.  Again with the number 8.  How pathetic.

 

I’m going to go read The Truth About Forever, though.  I’m hoping Macy finally just goes after Wes.  Everyone knows she wants him.

Hmm… after getting over Jason, she quickly falls for Wes.

I feel as though I know what she’s going through, but I can’t think of any actual timeline spot that fits.  Foretelling?  Maybe so.

Woo, More Poems.

Because this is exactly what everyone loves reading from me.
My pathetic poetry.
Woo.

In this white open space
Our eyes meet.
Mine light up as you run to me
Pulling me into your arms.
I start to cry,
Glad that I'm here with you,
And no one else.
Just you,
Just me,
In this timeless abyss.
You push me away,
To my dismay,
And lift my chin,
Looking into my wet, running eyes.
My heart skips a beat
And our lips collide.
The space around us gets smaller,
And I push myself back,
Startled.
As we break away,
The space returns
To its original size.
You open your mouth to speak,
But I place a finger to your lips,
Urging you to keep quiet.
You nod slowly in agreement,
And I remove my finger,
To replace it with my lips,
Still tingling from their first encounter.
Again,
The space appears to shrink,
Enclosing us.
You open your mouth,
Just slightly,
But enough for me to notice.
I hesitate,
Afraid of the effect on
The space around us,
But I soon do the same.
Just as I expect,
The white dreamland shrinks.
The further we go,
The less space we'll have,
And the more likely it'll be,
That we disappear.

1o points if you can guess what this was a reference to.
Not like there's more than 1 person that would know.
Because only 1 person was ever asked about it to begin with.
"What would you do if we were alone?"
I would hope it turned out something like that.
Minus the disappearing part.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Well, well, well.

This isn't very surprising.
How typical that half of the school would turn on someone for trying to protect their friend?
I know damn well I'm not going to start hating on her for this.
In fact, I think what she did was amazing.
I don't think I would've had the balls to do what she did, but at the same time, I don't think I'd ever be able to live with myself if I didn't.
She has an amazing amount of heart.
I'm pretty damn proud of her, actually.

And in the meantime, kids are showing their true colors.
Showing the world who they are, what they think, how pathetic they are.
And the more I think about it, the more amused I am.
I'm slowly but surely finding out who the real Shaker kids are.
The ones that aren't as fake as everyone else.
The ones that don't hide behind douchebaggery.
And I love these kids for proving that they're real, after all.

But at the same time, the hurt I get from all of this is unbearable.
I mean, how many times do I have to lose some of my best friends before I crack?
I don't know what I'm doing, honestly, but whatever it is, I'm sorry.

Just come back to me.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Break Started;;

And it's off to a pretty decent start.
We went to Jumping Jack's today, just to wait in line for almost an hour, and get to the register to find out that they don't take credit cards.
Failure~
So we drove all the way home and went to the Control Tower, instead.
I'd choose Control Tower over Jumping Jack's, anyday.

But anyway, we ate, had a blastyblast, and then went to Crossgates.
I needed some shorts, and Brittni wanted some capris and a dress for graduation.
I ran into Kaylar!
But, Katie and Emily were with her, so we just hugged, said hi, and moved on.
Mom just stared at me until we walked away.
She hates when I run into people.
But that's alright.

I found something in Garage, for the first time ever.
They had a lot of cute shorts, but I only had so much, so I stuck with a pair of dark denim shorts.
They're hott, end of story.
And I ran into Old Navy for the hell of it and grabbed another pair of flip-flops.
Since you really can't beat $3 dollars for flip-flops.
You just can't.
And after that, I went into Aeropostale and found another pair of shorts, and a shirt that matched.
Brittni found a pair, too.
She also found a dress at Kohl's, but never got her capris.

And now I'm all tired.
I need to do something productive today, first, though.
But it's too late for photography, and I don't really feel like getting homework over with.
Maybe I'll clean a little.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

I'm at school.
Proof that you can blog from the library.
Ohyeah.
So, it's 12:33.
7th period study hall.

Because I love Leah and help her with her homework. o:
And Tori chills with ussss.

Ginger and Omer and all them aren't here, though.
If they were, I probably wouldn't be blogging, but I'd be laughing and getting kicked out.
That's how we rolllll.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Ohhey Guys;;

My mood has officially hit rock bottom.
Woohoo.

I hate feeling like this, too.
I get so tired and completely uninterested.
Like, I'm not even singing the Calabria song.
And I can never listen to it without starting to sing it.
This is so weird!

Stupid bipolar kids.
He's too good at ignoring me.
Avoiding going online.
Walking away from me in the halls.
Just all-out avoiding me.
What am I supposed to think?

A few days ago, we were the same person, according to him.

But whatever.
I'll gang up on him with Mr.B tomorrow.
:]

lult;;
++ Chels!`

More Romantically Depressing Poems;;

Though, this was sort of a sequence thing I was working on.
It's not too bad.
---
And you said one thing
before you walked out the door
that will haunt me
for the rest of my life.

I think you knew that it would,
too,
which makes it even worse.
But you turned,
door handle in your grasp,
and said aloud those few words.

"And to think that I loved you."

And left me before I could
say another word.
---
I lie here,
staring at the ceiling,
thinking of all the times
I opted not to say anything.
And say nothing at all.

Because I was afraid.
Afraid of rejection.
Afraid of losing you.
And, lastly,

Afraid of being alone.
---
So why am I here?
Rejected,
without you,
and alone?

Because my fear
kept me from telling you
the only thing I had.
The truth.

Kept me from telling you
that I did love you.
But never had the courage
to find the words to say it.

And now both of us
are regretting everything.
---
But someone came in.
And saved me
before I even had the chance
to start my pity parade.

Someone I wish I could’ve
been closer with.
Because now I feel almost guilty
that they came and saved me,
when I never saved them.

They offered me a hand.
An escape for a moment.
We enjoyed talking for a time,
before I had to go.

Reality was calling.

“You can’t stay happy forever,”
it reminded me.

lult;; ++ Chels!`