Dear Blog;;

Well, do you know how you can teach an animal, or anything, really, I guess, to associate say, a sound with an action?
Like the dog that associated a bell with drooling, or something like that?

I feel as though I’m going to start associating falling in love with pain.  A lot of it, at that.

Last time, I had fallen for Ian.  And anyone that knows me at least relatively well knows that that ended badly.   Very badly.

I don’t really miss him, though.  I got over it rather fast.  A few days.  Hell, I think it could’ve even been a few minutes, honestly.

But today, my second association took place.  Blog, meet Adam.

Yeah.  I have come to the conclusion that I am never to tell another close/best/whatever friend that I love them, even with the “as a friend” implied, it being false or not.  Now I know.

Because, as fate would have it, I was led on.  Just as last time.

And as fate would have it, I bit the bait.  And ended up being bit in the ass.

This time, it didn’t take all of Spring Break.  It took a few hours, though.

A new record?  I think so.

But, of course, since in breakdown a part of me starts to go mad with artistic genius, I did manage to get a lyrical remix pumped out of me.

Fall Out Boy, Three Days Grace, Saosin.  Hmm, that’s an awkward grouping.  Relative crap, emo, and screaming.  Yikes.

To be truthful, I think the fucker’s lucky that I didn’t sabotage his face on photoshop yet.  I mean, if I can improve someone’s appearance with a few clicks and a few strokes, I can easily make them worse.

I think I might try it, sometime tonight when I’m unable to sleep.

Because of course, I couldn’t sleep last night, either.

The not-sleeping seems to be a symptom I can count on.  Ian, Kyle, and Adam.  All of them caused temporary insomnia.

Although, I didn’t love Kyle.  I like to think that that was a physical attraction, based on lust, and nothing else.

But Ian and Adam, they had an entirely different… attachment, I’ll call it.  Physical attractions last a few weeks, maybe 2 months, tops.

The actual attachments last much, much longer, I’ve figured out.

Ian?  8 years.  8 years of my life that I wasted.  How pitiful.

Adam? About 8 months.  Again with the number 8.  How pathetic.

 

I’m going to go read The Truth About Forever, though.  I’m hoping Macy finally just goes after Wes.  Everyone knows she wants him.

Hmm… after getting over Jason, she quickly falls for Wes.

I feel as though I know what she’s going through, but I can’t think of any actual timeline spot that fits.  Foretelling?  Maybe so.

Woo, More Poems.

Because this is exactly what everyone loves reading from me.
My pathetic poetry.
Woo.

In this white open space
Our eyes meet.
Mine light up as you run to me
Pulling me into your arms.
I start to cry,
Glad that I'm here with you,
And no one else.
Just you,
Just me,
In this timeless abyss.
You push me away,
To my dismay,
And lift my chin,
Looking into my wet, running eyes.
My heart skips a beat
And our lips collide.
The space around us gets smaller,
And I push myself back,
Startled.
As we break away,
The space returns
To its original size.
You open your mouth to speak,
But I place a finger to your lips,
Urging you to keep quiet.
You nod slowly in agreement,
And I remove my finger,
To replace it with my lips,
Still tingling from their first encounter.
Again,
The space appears to shrink,
Enclosing us.
You open your mouth,
Just slightly,
But enough for me to notice.
I hesitate,
Afraid of the effect on
The space around us,
But I soon do the same.
Just as I expect,
The white dreamland shrinks.
The further we go,
The less space we'll have,
And the more likely it'll be,
That we disappear.

1o points if you can guess what this was a reference to.
Not like there's more than 1 person that would know.
Because only 1 person was ever asked about it to begin with.
"What would you do if we were alone?"
I would hope it turned out something like that.
Minus the disappearing part.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Well, well, well.

This isn't very surprising.
How typical that half of the school would turn on someone for trying to protect their friend?
I know damn well I'm not going to start hating on her for this.
In fact, I think what she did was amazing.
I don't think I would've had the balls to do what she did, but at the same time, I don't think I'd ever be able to live with myself if I didn't.
She has an amazing amount of heart.
I'm pretty damn proud of her, actually.

And in the meantime, kids are showing their true colors.
Showing the world who they are, what they think, how pathetic they are.
And the more I think about it, the more amused I am.
I'm slowly but surely finding out who the real Shaker kids are.
The ones that aren't as fake as everyone else.
The ones that don't hide behind douchebaggery.
And I love these kids for proving that they're real, after all.

But at the same time, the hurt I get from all of this is unbearable.
I mean, how many times do I have to lose some of my best friends before I crack?
I don't know what I'm doing, honestly, but whatever it is, I'm sorry.

Just come back to me.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Break Started;;

And it's off to a pretty decent start.
We went to Jumping Jack's today, just to wait in line for almost an hour, and get to the register to find out that they don't take credit cards.
Failure~
So we drove all the way home and went to the Control Tower, instead.
I'd choose Control Tower over Jumping Jack's, anyday.

But anyway, we ate, had a blastyblast, and then went to Crossgates.
I needed some shorts, and Brittni wanted some capris and a dress for graduation.
I ran into Kaylar!
But, Katie and Emily were with her, so we just hugged, said hi, and moved on.
Mom just stared at me until we walked away.
She hates when I run into people.
But that's alright.

I found something in Garage, for the first time ever.
They had a lot of cute shorts, but I only had so much, so I stuck with a pair of dark denim shorts.
They're hott, end of story.
And I ran into Old Navy for the hell of it and grabbed another pair of flip-flops.
Since you really can't beat $3 dollars for flip-flops.
You just can't.
And after that, I went into Aeropostale and found another pair of shorts, and a shirt that matched.
Brittni found a pair, too.
She also found a dress at Kohl's, but never got her capris.

And now I'm all tired.
I need to do something productive today, first, though.
But it's too late for photography, and I don't really feel like getting homework over with.
Maybe I'll clean a little.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

I'm at school.
Proof that you can blog from the library.
Ohyeah.
So, it's 12:33.
7th period study hall.

Because I love Leah and help her with her homework. o:
And Tori chills with ussss.

Ginger and Omer and all them aren't here, though.
If they were, I probably wouldn't be blogging, but I'd be laughing and getting kicked out.
That's how we rolllll.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Ohhey Guys;;

My mood has officially hit rock bottom.
Woohoo.

I hate feeling like this, too.
I get so tired and completely uninterested.
Like, I'm not even singing the Calabria song.
And I can never listen to it without starting to sing it.
This is so weird!

Stupid bipolar kids.
He's too good at ignoring me.
Avoiding going online.
Walking away from me in the halls.
Just all-out avoiding me.
What am I supposed to think?

A few days ago, we were the same person, according to him.

But whatever.
I'll gang up on him with Mr.B tomorrow.
:]

lult;;
++ Chels!`

More Romantically Depressing Poems;;

Though, this was sort of a sequence thing I was working on.
It's not too bad.
---
And you said one thing
before you walked out the door
that will haunt me
for the rest of my life.

I think you knew that it would,
too,
which makes it even worse.
But you turned,
door handle in your grasp,
and said aloud those few words.

"And to think that I loved you."

And left me before I could
say another word.
---
I lie here,
staring at the ceiling,
thinking of all the times
I opted not to say anything.
And say nothing at all.

Because I was afraid.
Afraid of rejection.
Afraid of losing you.
And, lastly,

Afraid of being alone.
---
So why am I here?
Rejected,
without you,
and alone?

Because my fear
kept me from telling you
the only thing I had.
The truth.

Kept me from telling you
that I did love you.
But never had the courage
to find the words to say it.

And now both of us
are regretting everything.
---
But someone came in.
And saved me
before I even had the chance
to start my pity parade.

Someone I wish I could’ve
been closer with.
Because now I feel almost guilty
that they came and saved me,
when I never saved them.

They offered me a hand.
An escape for a moment.
We enjoyed talking for a time,
before I had to go.

Reality was calling.

“You can’t stay happy forever,”
it reminded me.

lult;; ++ Chels!`

Believe It Or Not;;

I'm not the only person in Colonie that speaks fluent internet.
And happens to listen to Visual Kei.
I finally met someone else that I can relate with, even in the slightest bit.

It's about time.

But I didn't really have anything else to say, today.
Wow, right?
Aside from maybe that I'm slowly getting used to but tired of being friends with bipolar people.
One day I'm your friend, the next day we're "the same people", and then the next you claim that we're nothing.
Tell me, hun, what are we?
Honestly.
No more beating around the bush.
I want to know what I am to you.
I already know damn well what you are to me.
I fear we're not on the same page anymore, and that bothers me.

I'll give you a little bit of time to get over your bad mood.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

I'm At Dad's This Weekend;;

And so far, things haven't driven me insane.
Which is a surprise, because usually I'm bored out of my mind.
But today, I slept.
And ate.
And listened to music.

Wow, sounds like a normal day, doesn't it?
Hahahaha.
The only difference is that I didn't hang out with anyone.
And I really wanted to, too.
Dommage.
I let Dad and Steph know that I wanted to do photography.
And, for the first time, wasn't shot down.
Surprise, surprise.
But, I'm alright, because if I was shot down, my goal would never be completed.
And I need any motivation I can get.

Dad's on chantix.
I'm a little afraid, because this stuff seriously messes with your head.
It causes hallucinations and weird dreams and all sorts of suicidal behaviors and shit.
But, if it helps him quit smoking, I can't really complain.
I just have to make sure Steph keeps an eye on him.
So we'll see.

lult;;

++ Chels!`

Well, Today Was Just As Boring As Expected;;

Nothing really happened.
No one came over, I didn't go to the movies.
I didn't even go to Dunkin Donuts.
What a waste of a day off.

However, I did start to get into the knack of photo editing.
As seen below.
Maybe today wasn't as much of a waste as I like to think it was.

But I can't say the same for the rest of the weekend.
I'm heading to Scaghticoke with Dad.
In the middle of nowhere, where we're surrounded by corn.
Funfunfunn.
I so badly wanted to get out of it and hang out with Adam.
But, I guess I don't get to have a life anymore.
Thanks, Dad.

But anyway, it's past 1o:3opm, and I didn't sleep well last night.
I'm pretty damn tired.
And I have to get up at around 8am tomorrow.
So I better head off.

Goodnight, world.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

I Found Photographs I Took On My Camera;;

And, with a little bit of help from Windows Photo Gallery, I'm extremely happy with the finished product.
So, I'm posting a few of them, so you guys can see what I would possibly enter into that One World contest.
Enjoy!














note;; if you click on them, it shows you the full sized picture.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Studio414 One World Contest;;

www.studio414contest.com

I'm thinking about entering the next One World contest Studio414 holds.
The One World contest is an aspiring photographers contest in which people from all over the world capture photos of the beauty and emotion of everyday life.
There's an $8.oo entry fee per photo, but the winners are rewarded nicely.
First place gets either $2,ooo or a fairly nice Canon EOS 5d Mark II, which costs about $2,7oo.
Second place receives $3oo.
And lastly, third place gets $1oo.

I do have an interest in photography and film.
It's something I've wanted to do since I've had my own camera.
Which I bought with my own savings in 6th grade.
It was a terrible camera, yes, but it was mine.
It took photos and videos.
It also got me in a lot of trouble, as Southgate kids would know.

And now I have a digital Polaroid that I use occasionally.
Unfortunately, the battery dies fairly often, and I don't have the money to buy several hundred batteries at once.
But oh, what I could do with that Canon EOS...

And with the help of photography classes, which I planned on taking, I might just have one by time I graduate.
I'm setting a goal for myself, here.
One of the first goals I've set in a long time.
I'm going to enter these contests.
Each round between now and graduation from Shaker, starting with the next round.
I'll probably go through several hundred dollars, paying the $8.oo fee for each photo, but I don't mind.
My dreams are worth much more than flimsy paper money.

And with that being said, I'm going to continue watching Private Practice.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

I Can’t Believe I Put Up With Your Shit;;

Honestly.
All of your secrets and stupid drama.
Why do I even bother?
All the time, it's "nothing, nothing, don't worry about it."
When quite obviously, it's something.
Let me tell you a little something about yourself.
You can't keep secrets for your life.
If it was anything that didn't concern me, you would tell me.
Because that's who you are.
Why do you think I don't tell you secrets?
Because it's certainly not just because I don't want you to know them.
But because I don't want all of your fucktarded friends knowing them, too.

But, I've had my own issues.
Creeper came to school, today.
His first day at Shaker.
How nice, right?
Terrible, actually.
It was sort of amusing to have fun gossip to run around with.
I so wish I had the courage to do something to give him a hint.
But, I didn't feel like being super-rejected in front of the cafeteria.
So I stayed in my seat and snickered like everyone else.

Dallas... hahahaha.
Why couldn't his parents be decent and do him a favor by naming him Austin?
That's a city in Texas, too, you know.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Chimera;;

Kitkit made me want to post my shitty poem.
So, here goes nothing.

Chimera...
I saw us together, last night
We held hands and walked into the sunset
But soon after I awoke, aching
I need you, we both see it.

Time and distance...
We pretend that they don't affect us
But tonight, you're with her
And I'm home alone
Thinking of you.

Change...
I took it all in for you
I'm not the person I used to be
But I disregard everyone's concerns
Because you're worth it.

Chimera...
Everything I do is for you
I even saw us together, last night
We held hands and walked into the sunset
Too bad I was dreaming.
~Chelsi Riley

Kay, thanks.
You can stop laughing at me, now.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

So, I’m Pretty Good At Being Miserable;;

Considering I can sit and hate myself for being a coward.
I mean, really.
I deserve it.
I can crush on people all I want.
Admire them to the end of the world and beyond.
And I can tell how bad it is by the stage I'm at.
Copying music is one of the first stages.
But it carries on throughout.
I'll probably listen to his music for the rest of my life.
Because I genuinely fall in love with it.
I change myself for these boys.
And I know damn well how stupid that is, but I do it anyway.
Over and over again.
And then I start to find little things about him.
Little things that drive me insane.
Like the way his hair sticks up in 7ooo directions and frizzes.
And how I would kill to fix it.
And how we match all the time, and I pretend that it bothers me.
And then I start to realize.
How we're practically the same people.
Which totally ruins the idea of opposites attracting, doesn't it?
And I start to lose people that are close to me.
Because I've gone too far, now.
But there's no stopping this.
It's a vicious cycle, and it's only begun.

But, anyway, my point?
I'm such a coward.
Do you know what I would give to be able to walk up to someone and say,
"Hey, would you go to the movies with me?"
Let me give you a little taste.
The fucking world.
But I can't do that.
Because I don't have the courage to even try it.

And thus, I hate myself for being pathetic.

Terribly Pathetic;;
++ Chels!`

Writer Test;;

So, Writer likes to double-space things, unless I write my posts under the source option.
Which means I need to learn HTML.
And soon.

We'll have to see how much I remember.

I knew I should've taken that coding class or whatever.
Or was it one of the Junior/Senior classes?
I don't even remember.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

Ohwow, It's Been A While;;

I haven't been on blogspot since... mid-winter break.
Which was last month.
At like, Valentine's day.
Hahaha, wowww.

But I got a new laptop while I was gone.
And Vista has Writer on it, which allows me to write Blogspot posts from my desktop.
Instead of having to log in and use the little bitchy self-saving thing.
;D I like it.

Brittni called my cell phone today.
So during English, my leg went numb from the naggy vibrating.
And she CALLED, not texted.
So even if I hadn't been in the middle of a class discussion/lecture, if I dared open my phone, everyone would've heard laughing and screaming.
I would've been busted, anyway.

The little bitch.

Totally Amused;;
++ Chels!`

Ow...

My throat hurts like a little bitch.
It's gotten over 9ooox worse than it was yesterday.
Parents still won't take me to the hospital, so I'm still clueless as to whether or not it's the Flu, Mono, or just a violent fever/cold/virus.
Nothing makes the pain go away.
I've tried tylenol, benadryl, codine cough syrup, sudafed... everything.
I can't breathe, either.
Or talk.
I can't make my voice go above a tiny whisper.
And even that hurts to do.
So I've had a writing pad next to me all day.
"Mom, make me some tea?"
"Can you go get some vitamin water or something?"
"Buy a few lemons, while you're at it?"
"OMG MOM, I CAN'T TALK. D: THIS ISN'T GOOD. IT'S GETTING WORSE."
I have this serious need to cry my eyes out, the pain is so bad, but I'm the kind of person who would mess it up and stop breathing.
Since my throat is already out of the question, and crying will stuff my nose right up.

Waiting to Die;;
++ Chels!`

Je déteste être malade;;

I hate being sick

I woke up at 6am, as usual.
I was so sick and tired, I let my alarm clock go for a good 5 minutes before I finally turned it off.
But, you have to know about how annoying my alarm clock is to understand how amazing that is.
Every 3o seconds, the beeping gets faster, louder, and more obnoxious.
I let it go from "Beep. Beep. Beep." to "Beepbeep. Beepbeep. Beepbeep." to "BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP."
That shit gets very annoying, very soon.
But I let it go, because I couldn't find the energy to get myself out of bed.
I trudged downstairs to mom's room, complained about feeling like shit.
Popped some benadryl and went back to bed.

Mrs. Mangan had been talking obsessively of some major HW for over break, so she insisted on us telling her if we were leaving early for vacation.
But, I never would've predicted being sick off my ass the day before vacation.
She probably shook her head and mumbled to herself about Colette and I being out on Friday, even though we told her we would be there.
Ohwell. Maybe I'll convince someone to drive me to Shaker so I can get my shit when mom gets home.
Since I left all of my textbooks and AMSCO book in my locker.
I have to go get those.
I only did half of the AMSCO work, and god only knows what else I still need to do.

lult;;
++ Chels!`

&& I'm already having issues;;

No, not with blogspot.
If it was a blogspot issue, I think I would've pressed the shiny red "x" in the top right corner of my screen, already.
Or at least the small shiny "x" on this tab.
(Mmmm, tabbed browsing. Yummy.)

But, I'm sick.
Lovely, right?
Yeah.
I'm always sick.
Maybe it's some DNA screwup or something fun like that.
But this time, it's all-out.
My head is as heavy as a bitch, my throat kills, and I can't breathe.
Better yet, I can cough all I want, but I still can't solve the last two problems.
And on top of it, around 2:3o in the afternoon, my PCS kicked in.
So not only couldn't I breathe, but it hurt to try.
(PCS means Precordial Catch Syndrome, by the way.)
((Wikipedia it or something.))
And my family, being the anti-medical system group they are, wants me to do all of this home remedy crap.
But I refuse.
I'd rather pop a few Sudafed's and hit the hay.
Because I'm a horse, now, and I do that.

lult;;
++ Chels!`